


Tell me goodbye

by jiyongsfreckles



Series: I was born and I met you and I've loved you to death [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nyongtory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-06-30 03:31:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15743361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiyongsfreckles/pseuds/jiyongsfreckles
Summary: I started writing this about an event that was mentioned in part 1 but it can be read alone. I didn't add this as a chapter cuz I don't know if I'll write more so I decided to make it a series instead.Edited: So I decided to continue this and added a few more chapters following what happens in chapter 1





	1. I'm drunk with your scent, getting hazy again

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this about an event that was mentioned in part 1 but it can be read alone. I didn't add this as a chapter cuz I don't know if I'll write more so I decided to make it a series instead.
> 
> Edited: So I decided to continue this and added a few more chapters following what happens in chapter 1

There were some screams as Seungri and Jiyong came out of the airport gate holding hands, but the leader and the maknae didn’t pay much attention. They were too busy swinging their hands between them, and as Jiyong looked at Seungri he noticed he was smiling widely, just like him. They kept walking and Jiyong stared at the ground, too immersed in the joy he was feeling in that moment. They held hands all the way to the car and even when they got in, they were reluctant to let go, but they did. Seungri giggled and Jiyong looked at him shyly, murmuring something unintelligible, barely moving his lips and then staring at the floor, cooling his face with the back of his hands.  
  
~  
  
When Jiyong got home he called out for his sister only to find out she wasn’t there. A note told him she was out of town. He went to his room and tried to watch some tv but he felt restless. He didn’t want to be alone…he wanted to be with Seungri. As he thought back to the way they had acted at the airport he felt butterflies in his stomach and he hid his face in a pillow. He kicked his legs in the air and against the mattress and let out a small scream. He wanted Seungri… just thinking about him made him smile like a fool. He got up impulsively and went in search of his phone. He needed to see him, he needed more. Always.  
  
“Hello? Oppaaaaa” Seungri answered and Jiyong could tell the maknae was smiling  
  
“Ah, I feel tired already. I’m going to hang up”  
  
Seungri’s laugh rang loudly in Jiyong’s ears and he closed his eyes, letting it resonate all through him. Was this possible? That someone else’s laughter could make him _this_ happy?  
  
“Ah I’m sorry hyung, what is it?” the maknae said, still chuckling  
  
Jiyong realized he hadn’t thought of an excuse as to why he wanted to see Seungri.  
  
“Do you really have to go to Japan tomorrow?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
“Hmmm… so what're you doing right now?”  
  
“Well right now I’m standing naked in my bathroom because I just took a shower”  
  
_Oh_ .  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
Jiyong had frozen with his hand on the door to his fridge.

“When you say naked you mean…”

“Naked, what, you want a picture?”  
  
“Gr-gross”  
  
Seungri chuckled and Jiyong took a bottle out of the fridge and pressed it against his cheeks. He cleared his throat.  
  
“I am bored, do you want to come over?”  
  
“Ah you miss me already?”  
  
“I did but after this short phone call I think I’m good now. Let’s meet again in 30 years”  
  
“I’ll be there in 30 minutes”  
  
Jiyong had a huge smile on his face as he hung up.

He decided to take a shower and as the hot water relaxed his muscles his mind started wandering.

Today seemed to be one of those days where Seungri, just like Jiyong, couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Days like these weren't necessarily rare but more often than not Seungri tended to keep to himself and draw away from Jiyong. The maknae tended to put up some barriers and Jiyong hated that.

Deep down Jiyong knew the reason why Seungri sometimes avoided him and why it was a clever idea to do so. He also knew why he liked to spend so much time with Seungri. But it was a truth he avoided thinking about. People who knew them talked about it in hushed tones, saying it was obvious in the way Jiyong looked at Seungri, how he was in a better mood with his maknae around, how he became whiny and sad when he went too long without seeing Seungri.

But Jiyong had it all under control. Seungri was a member of his group and would remain only a friend. Nothing more. Jiyong didn't want more... But that was a lie. And there were days like today where Jiyong believed the lie and foolishly let his guard down.

In moments like these Jiyong felt giddy, drunk on Seungri but he also felt like there was no danger, like he had it under control. So he felt like pushing Seungri's barriers and testing him, just to see if the maknae would admit he lov- _cared_ \- about Jiyong the same way Jiyong cared for him. Days like today were the most dangerous ones.  
  
He was just getting out of the shower when his doorbell rang. He put a towel around his hips and went to get the door.  
  
“Oh” Seungri said as he looked Jiyong over and his eyes sparkled “should I have come in my shower attire too?”  
  
“I’ll go put on clothes”  
  
Jiyong smiled all the way to his room and kept smiling as he put on pajama pants and a t-shirt. Seungri had checked him out and from the look on his face, he'd liked what he'd seen.  
  
~  
  
Jiyong was sitting on the floor, doodling on a super expensive bag and Seungri was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, one hand on his chest and the other dangling over the edge of the couch.  
  
They weren't doing anything important and quite honestly Jiyong could have just doddled on his own and Seungri could have stared into space at his own apartment, but because they were together, it seemed like they were doing the most important thing ever.  
  
“Hyung… I think I might have to close my vocal and dance academy” Seungri said  
  
“Oh?”  
  
Jiyong wasn’t quite satisfied with the way his drawings had turned out.  
  
_Maybe if I add some glitter it will look better._  
  
He made a mental note to buy some the next day.  
  
_Nah, not even glitter will do. Oh well._  
  
Disappointed, he threw the bag on the floor next to him and started looking for a new target when Seungri’s hand caught his attention. He grabbed it and drew a smiley face on it. He inspected his work, moving Seungri’s hand this way and that and thought that maybe he should get a new tattoo. Maybe he could convince Seungri to get a tattoo…  
  
“Hyung, are you listening?”  
  
“Yes” he lied  
  
He clearly wasn’t and Seungri took his hand back as punishment. Jiyong pouted and took it right back, promising he would listen. But as he held Seungri’s hand in his own, he thought back to the airport, and then back to the first time they had fallen asleep holding hands. It seemed like forever ago.     
  
“Do you remember when we used to sleep on the same bed? You hated it, you'd always curl up against the wall. You don't seem to dislike being so close to me now” he was trying to act nonchalant but he held his breath as he waited for Seungri's answer.  
  
They'd been too young when they'd shared a bed and it had been completely innocent but Jiyong had liked being that close to Seungri, to see him first thing in the morning.  
  
“I didn't _hate_ it” Seungri said as he slowly rubbed his chest. He was wearing a fuzzy sweater and he seemed to like the way it felt against his fingers.  
  
“Liar” Jiyong scoffed  
  
“I’m not lying, I never disliked it, I was just... uncomfortable”  
  
“I see” Jiyong let go of Seungri’s hand  
  
“It was just so new… that first night you hugged me I freaked out but because- well I am the oldest at home and I was usually the one to take care of others” he took Jiyong’s hand in his own and stared at his long elegant fingers “that first time I- I felt safe in your arms, I felt comforted when I didn't even need someone to comfort me...I didn't understand why I'd feel like that if we weren't family… you know, the type of comfort you feel when your mother hugs you” Seungri grimaced when he realized how that sounded  
  
“Got you” Jiyong said but he looked sad  
  
“No! Not like that at all....”  
  
_Like when someone you love hugs you,_ Seungri thought but he couldn’t bring himself to say it and it was ridiculous, he had told Jiyong that he loved him before but this time it felt different.  
  
Jiyong looked at him attentively and there was some turmoil going on behind his eyes. A second later however, he got up from the floor and stood on the couch to then lie down behind Seungri, who had to scoot over to the very edge.  
  
“Wh-what are you doing hyung?”  
  
Jiyong had always been very affectionate, he loved to hug and was constantly holding hands or resting his head on his members’ shoulders...but this, this felt different.  
  
“I’m just trying to see if you’re lying or not”  
  
He then lifted Seungri’s arm and he rested his head against his chest.  
  
Seungri stood still for a moment, not sure what to do and afraid to move and scare Jiyong away.    
  
“Relax” Jiyong told him in a soft voice “it seems like your heart's going to burst out of your chest any second now”  
  
Jiyong rested one hand on Seungri’s chest and he proceeded to move it up and down his torso.  
  
Maybe his hyung intended for it to be soothing but that hand, _that hand_ was driving him crazy. It was making him have thoughts he shouldn't be having, wishing for things he had no right desiring. The maknae put his own hand on top of Jiyong’s, effectively stopping him from making this situation… uncomfortable. The leader linked their fingers together.  
  
“So you’re thinking of closing your vocal academy?” Jiyong’s voice sounded different, a bit hoarse and Seungri had to take a moment before answering.  
  
“I already told you about that hyung. I knew you weren’t listening”  
  
“Of course I was, I just want you to tell me the story again” Jiyong then nuzzled Seungri’s chest and… and Seungri’s brain stopped functioning.  
  
“You’re not breathing” the leader said  
  
And then Jiyong started talking and this time it was Seungri the one who wasn’t listening. How could he? Jiyong was flushed against him, closer than he had been in a while and yet Seungri just wanted him closer.  
  
“Your sweater is really soft” Jiyong murmured and he rubbed his face against Seungri’s chest.  
  
Seungri was going to buy a thousand sweaters like this one. Hell, he was going to buy the brand that manufactured them. But then he remembered it was Gucci… yeah, okay, maybe he wasn’t rich enough to buy Gucci but it became his favorite brand right then and there.  
  
His hyung kept talking, his voice soothing, and Seungri wanted to focus but Jiyong's hair smelled so good and it looked so incredibly soft it made Seungri want to run his hands through it and have Jiyong fall asleep right there in his arms. But he kept his hands to himself.

“Relax” Jiyong said again... and he did.

He stopped thinking and just let himself enjoy the sweet torture. Jiyong's scent invaded his senses and the way in which Jiyong’s thumb was tracing the drawing he'd made on Seungri's skin was incredibly calming.

They talked about small things. Jiyong was thinking about getting a cat and Seungri was becoming obsessed with puzzles and he wanted to try practicing a sport but wasn't sure what. Jiyong had watched a drama -and cried, Seungri was pretty sure- and at one point it had reminded Jiyong of one of the parodies they had made in the early days. The two men laughed hard reminiscing the old days and when they were done and out of breath, smiles lingered on their faces because the past had been good, but the present wasn't so bad either.

They talked about important things. Seungri told Jiyong about how one day he wanted to open more businesses to create jobs for people but wasn't sure if he could succeed. He told his worries to Jiyong and when he was done the leader patted Seungri's chest and Seungri knew it meant his hyung was proud. Jiyong told Seungri how sometimes he wanted to take a long break and go to Jejudo, where life was simpler but he couldn't, he loved music too much, he loved the stage, the crowd… Seungri put his arm around Jiyong's shoulders and held him closer to him.

Then Seungri started planning a vacation they would all go on, Hawaii maybe, or New Zealand, and they would have a lot of fun. They could escape, just like they had planned to do many years ago, just for a few weeks.

“Before you ratted us out to get your solo album” Jiyong said, pinching Seungri's nipple.

“Ow!” the maknae chuckled and Jiyong laughed and for a few minutes, even if they knew they were planning a vacation that wouldn't happen because of their crazy schedules, everything was perfect in the world.

“Thanks maknae” Jiyong planted a small kiss on Seungri's neck.

Jiyong always seemed strong -and he was-  but he was also fragile, and to be honest that was also part of what made him so attractive to others. He seemed like a bad boy you wished would corrupt you but at the same time he was vulnerable and you just wanted to protect him from the cruel world.  
  
They grew quiet, and Seungri was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't notice when Jiyong’s hand started moving again. _That damn hand_ started caressing his chest again and went all the way down to his stomach and then brushed the exposed skin just above his jeans. Seungri's reaction was immediate, almost as if a switch had been turned on inside of him and suddenly he couldn’t take it anymore.  
  
_Blood is rushing to that one place again, it’s dangerous, you’re so dangerous babe_  
  
He got up like he had been electrocuted, his back to Jiyong. He waited a moment, debating  what to do and then his eyes caught the bottle of wine he had brought with him, so he grabbed it, turning around.  
  
“Let’s drink some wine!” he said, a bit too cheerfully.  
  
Jiyong looked at him and a knowing smile slowly formed on his face. Seungri hadn’t been lying after all.  
  
~  
  
They had only drunk one glass of wine when Seungri decided he couldn’t do it anymore. His clothes felt too tight, he was too hot and the way Jiyong was looking at him wasn’t helping.

_I’m drunk with your scent, getting hazy again_

If he stayed any longer he was going to throw caution to the wind and let his body rule over his brain. And he shouldn’t. He and Jiyong flirted a lot, but maybe Jiyong just did it for fun. Seungri didn’t want to make a fool out of himself and jeopardize everything they had when it was all maybe just a one sided crush. And he was okay with that. Seungri thought he could live happily if he at least had these moments of emotional intimacy with Jiyong.  
  
As cheesy as it was, he knew without a shadow of a doubt - but he would never admit this out loud to anyone, ever - that he and Jiyong were soul mates. And that didn't necessarily mean they were meant to become lovers, no, it meant they had recognized a bit of themselves in each other, they had seen beauty in each other's souls and they would spend the rest of their lives loving each other. Even if from afar.  
  
But right now, it hurt a bit too much.  
  
“Hyung maybe I should go”  
  
They exchanged a look that spoke volumes and yet neither of them seemed to understand the message clearly.  
  
“Do you _want_ to go?”  
  
Seungri averted his eyes.  
  
“I have to”  
  
Jiyong accompanied him to the door but Seungri hesitated before he opened it.  
  
_Say something, please._  
  
“Seungri”  
  
Seungri loved his name, after all he had chosen it himself. But he had never loved it more than in that moment.  
  
He turned around. Jiyong came closer, too close, not close enough, and then, a kiss.  
  
A kiss so soft at first, just a brush of the lips, a hand against a cheek, their chests touching, wandering hands caressing smooth skin, soft touches. Seungri's name leaving Jiyong's lips and Jiyong's leaving his; promises being made, sweet words murmured, their breaths mingling. Jiyong sucking Seungri's bottom lip, pulling at it and then letting go with an audible pop...and then, fire.  
  
A kiss so rough as Seungri grabbed Jiyong's face between his hands and his tongue parted Jiyong's lips, deepening the kiss. Seungri being pushed against the front door then Jiyong grabbing him by his belt and walking backwards towards his room, both of them panting. Seungri pressing Jiyong against his bedroom door, Seungri sucking Jiyong’s earlobe and Jiyong biting Seungri's shoulders and scratching his back in response. Jiyong thrusting his hips against Seungri's and eliciting strangled noises out of him, moans, groans…and then, heaven.  
  
A kiss so divine that Jiyong fell to his knees in front of Seungri, looking up at him the way he sometimes looked onstage, when he was doing the thing he loved most, so powerful, confident and yet so _vulnerable_ . Jiyong unbuttoning Seungri's jeans and unzipping it with trembling hands, a silent question on his hazy eyes… and even with this being new to both of them, there was no hesitation when Seungri answered.  
  
“Yes”  
  
And then Seungri experienced what he could only describe as a religious experience. He felt like a god with a sinner kneeling at his feet, asking for forgiveness; he felt like a mortal and a god was taking mercy on him, blessing him and absolving him from all his sins… they were just two men who were finally letting love and lust win. Whatever it was, once Jiyong's hot mouth touched his skin, he knew he was ruined.

He threw his head back as Jiyong’s hand grabbed him tightly and moved up and down against him, in a fast rhythm. He couldn't contain his moan when Jiyong's tongue played with his sensitive skin and he cursed out loud and pulled at his hair when Jiyong took him in his mouth. Jiyong said something but his voice was muffled and Seungri almost lost it.  
  
And then, not even a minute after Jiyong had dropped to his knees, the front door was being opened and a woman's voice was calling Jiyong’s name.  
  
Seungri could barely register what was happening but his body reacted almost on autopilot as he zipped his pants up and looked at Jiyong. He was staring back at him with sheer panic in his eyes and seemed to be frozen in place. It was a look Seungri had never seen on him, he looked terrified. But then Jiyong rose swiftly and ushered Seungri into his room with trembling hands.  
  
“No no no, no...what...thinking….fuck”  Seungri thought he heard him say before Jiyong's sister's voice became clearer.  
  
Jiyong mumbled something, his sister said something in an apologetic tone in return and then silence. A thud sounded against the door and it seemed like Jiyong had pressed his forehead against it. Finally, an eternity later, Jiyong opened the door to his room.  
  
“Seungri, I- I'm sorry, I think you should go” it seemed like it physically hurt Jiyong to get those words out and he said them without looking at Seungri.  
  
Seungri was still too drunk on the kiss to notice that Jiyong didn't tell him he'd call him, that he didn't hug or kiss Seungri to bid him goodbye and he didn't even look at him as he closed the front door behind him.

“Was that Seungri? Finally!” Jiyong’s sister said before the door was completely closed.

 _Finally._  
  
Seungri laughed and covered his face with his hands. That had been...he had no words. He crouched in front of Jiyong's apartment for a while, breathing heavily before he called a driver - he hadn’t had too much to drink but one couldn’t be too careful - and texted Jiyong.  
  
_That was amazing_  
  
He regretted sending the text almost immediately; it was the lamest thing he could have said after _that_ had happened. But he needed to make sure it was real, that Jiyong had kissed him, that Jiyong felt the same way.  
  
When the driver arrived, Jiyong still hadn't answered him.

When he got to his house, still nothing.

When he lay in bed that night and when he woke up the next morning there was no text awaiting him.

When he washed his hands and the smiley face faded from his skin, there was no new notification on his phone.

Even when he boarded the plane to Japan early the next morning Jiyong still hadn't replied.

And he wouldn't, not for a long time.  
  
_The words “let’s be together forever” were only a moment’s sweetness_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Emi who took the time to read and listen to my concerns about this chapter :)


	2. You were always beautiful in my eyes

_That was amazing_

_Hyung, are you ok? I haven't heard from you_

_I'm going back to Seoul for a day tomorrow, can we talk?_

_Are you really going to just ignore me?_

_Okay whatever_

Jiyong read the messages for the hundredth time. The first one was from one month ago and the last one was from 2 weeks ago. The calls had also stopped. Seungri had finally given up.

Surprisingly, ignoring Seungri had turned out easier than expected because the maknae had spent most of his time in Japan, doing solo activities.

Missing him, on the other hand, had been incredibly hard.

But it was the end of the year and they had to prepare for the dome tour that was taking place in a month. They were meeting tonight to record the background vocals for an acoustic version of one of the songs.

Seungri was coming back to Seoul.

~

Jiyong wasn't in a good mood and the members were just trying to ignore it. Seunghyun and Youngbae were trying not to fall asleep and Daesung was in the recording booth. They all knew the leader would always get like this when they had new activities but usually a little time together would put him in a better mood. Not this time though.

“Again” Jiyong said

Daesung tried again.

“Daesung please focus" Jiyong snapped

“Why are you scolding the kid like that you jerk” Seunghyun said, waking from his slumber “aish, I don't know what's wrong with you tonight but don't take it out on the kid” and he went back to sleep.

Jiyong sighed and apologized to Daesung, who smiled at him in an understanding way and looked at him with knowing eyes. Jiyong avoided his gaze.

“Jiyong I know doing a tour without new songs is stressful but it'll be okay” Youngbae said yawning as he patted his best friend's shoulder “Seungri will be here soon and you'll feel better”

Jiyong got up from his chair abruptly.

“I'm going to go get some fresh air”

As soon as the cold air hit his face, he lit up a cigarette and walked over to the darkest part of the parking lot. He tried to relax but it seemed like nothing could calm his nerves. He still didn't know how he was going to act once Seungri got there. Maybe he should have talked to him beforehand. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a frustrated groan.

The sound of a car approaching made his muscles tense and he quickly put out his cigarette and hid deeper in the shadows.

_Seungri_.

He was here. Jiyong’s heart started beating faster, in a way that seemed to be reserved for only the maknae and music.

Seungri killed the engine and stepped out of the car.

Over the years Jiyong had tried to figure out who Seungri was to him. In the very beginning, he had just been an ambitious boy, then, he had become his maknae, and his friend. And ever since then Seungri was a mixture of pain and happiness. Mostly, Seungri was home.

_It’s been a while since we’ve met, your face looks good, you got prettier, you were always beautiful in my eyes_

One thing that never changed though, was that Seungri was beautiful. And he looked beautiful in the cold and the dark, because Seungri was also light and warmth.

Jiyong almost took an involuntary step forward; it had been so long since he had seen Seungri, too long since he had held his hand, too long since he'd asked him how he'd been.

_“Hello, I’m Lee Seunghyun, nice to meet you”_

_His eyes had been full of respect and trust._

_“You’re G-Dragon right? Wow, you’ve grown up well”  A chuckle. “Please take care of me from now on”_

_And Jiyong had ignored him or pretended to look through him as if he weren’t there many times, but Seungri had always looked at him with admiration in his eyes._

How would Seungri look at him now? With anger, hurt? Jiyong stood rooted in place, feeling like a coward and a creep.

He squinted, trying to focus on Seungri’s profile, knowing this was the only chance he had of looking at the maknae unabashedly. His dark hair looked soft, his skin smooth and flawless and his lips...were set into a hard line.

Seungri stood in front of the building for a while and then tilted his head back, looking up at the sky. It reminded Jiyong of the last time he’d seen Seungri in that position, with him kneeling between his legs, blinded by lust. The memories made something stir inside of him and suddenly he felt disgusted with himself. He had no right to feel like that when he had broken Seungri’s heart. He turned around, head hung in shame, his own heart breaking again.

Footsteps echoed in the dark and when Jiyong looked back to the spot where Seungri had been, he was no longer there.  

Jiyong stood in the cold, staring blankly at a point in the horizon, feeling empty because of the thousand emotions he was experiencing all at once.

He stayed a few more minutes outside, giving Seungri time to see the others before he went back in and ruined everyone’s mood.

Seungri was pain again. He was pain because one thing he could never be was Jiyong’s.

~

Jiyong opened the door to the recording studio and only Youngbae looked up briefly at him before focusing back on Seunghyun, who was telling a story. Jiyong stayed by the door, watching them talking and for a second it felt like he should join them and joke around too.

But then Seungri laughed, he _giggled,_ and something ugly took root inside of Jiyong so suddenly and unexpectedly that he almost felt dizzy. He slammed the door shut.

“Ah Jiyong, Seungri is here” Seunghyun said as he patted Seungri’s hand.

Jiyong could feel the ball of negative emotions expand in his chest until he was filled with nothing but anger and hurt and things he didn’t want to name.

As he moved his eyes from their hands to Seungri's face, he found Seungri already looking at him. His eyes blurred and for a second it was as if his senses kept working but his brain didn’t. He blinked, and Seungri's face came into focus. In his maknae’s eyes he saw… nothing. No anger, no hurt, no happiness, _nothing_.

“Hi hyung" Seungri greeted him and it was Seungri’s voice but at the same time it wasn’t

_“Hello, I’m Lee Seunghyun, nice to meet you”_

_Eyes looking up at him with respect and trust._

_“Ah hyung, it’s on at 8.30”_

_Hope._

_“Hyung, why, why did you do that?”_

_Hurt. Disappointment. But then understanding._

_“Yes”_

_Lust._

_“Nyongtory ha ha, nyongtory cute”_

_Happiness._

_“Jiyong hyung”_

_Love_

But now, nothing.

Jiyong knew Seungri. They had grown up together. The maknae was the most honest person Jiyong knew, not only because that’s how he was, but because he couldn’t hide his emotions to save his life. He could never get away with hiding anything.

And yet here he was, looking at Jiyong with _indifference_ , as if nothing was wrong, as if Jiyong hadn't spent the last month battling with himself trying to decide what to do. So Seungri had either become a very good actor in just a month or what had happened that night hadn’t affected Seungri the way it had him. Sure, Seungri had seemed confused and angry in the voicemails he had left Jiyong but apparently his reaction had been a powerful flame that had burnt out quickly.

Jiyong had been a fool. Suddenly he felt tired, empty, and he just wanted to go home. Instead he sat down in his chair and Daesung went back to the recording booth.

Jiyong tried to ignore Seungri the best he could as the maknae talked animatedly with Youngbae and Seunghyun. But with every word the maknae said, with every excited exclamation, with every laugh, the emptiness inside Jiyong was replaced with anger and it grew bigger and bigger.

Seungri was beautiful, Seungri was beauty. But now Seungri was _ugliness_.

When Daesung was done, Jiyong turned around in his chair and announced it was Seungri’s turn.

Seungri looked up, surprised, and for the first time since he got there, he seemed a bit annoyed.

“But I’m usually last” he objected

“Not today”

If he was last the others might leave and Jiyong didn’t want to be alone with him.

“Go. Now”

He made Seungri record his part of the song at least 100 times.

“Again”

“Yes hyung”

“From the top”

“Yes hyung”

Jiyong was discovering a new side of himself, one he didn’t like; but here he was, being petty. This made him even angrier and Seungri’s civil replies just made things worse.

“Again”

_Why do you act as if nothing’s wrong when I’m hurting this much_

Jiyong couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this mad and had to pretend he wasn’t. Whatever he felt, he said it, he showed it… except with Seungri. But he knew he had no right to be this mad and yet he was pissed at Seungri for making him angry and for being there looking so unbearably like-

_Seungri tapped the screen that displayed the lyrics, adjusted his earphones and blinked repeatedly, practically scrunching his face each time_

-like Seungri. Like the boy he'd grown up with and who drove him crazy with need. Need to protect his smile, to protect him...

_Seungri rolled his his shoulders and cracked his neck, his eyes closed_

… but also, ever since that night at his apartment, with more primal needs. He was mad and it was Seungri’s fault so he wanted to grab Seungri and kiss him roughly, push him to his knees, pull down his own pants and then fuck that pretty mouth of his hard.

“Yes hyung”

“Ash Jiyong, enough! You already got the part you wanted” Seunghyun exploded and told Seungri to come out.

As big Seunghyun passed little Seunghyun on his way to the recording booth, he slapped the youngest cheek in a playful manner.

“And you, focus” he said

Seungri blinked, confused and then _giggled._

“Yes hyung!”

Jiyong clenched his teeth.

Daesung told everyone good night and went home. A while later, Seunghyun was done and the only one left to record was Youngbae, but he had just left the room to go to the bathroom… and Seungri was still there.

“Good night” Seunghyun said as he left

As soon as the door closed behind him, Jiyong’s muscles tensed. He didn’t even dare breathe.

It was the first time he and Seungri were alone in a room since that night at his apartment. And Jiyong wanted… _something._ He didn’t know what exactly but he needed something from Seungri. But neither of them moved.

Silence.

And then

“Hyung we need to talk”

_Ah, there it was._

Jiyong closed his eyes and he felt like he could breathe again.

“You can't keep avoiding me hyung”

_Relief._

He was relieved and until that moment because of his anger he hadn’t realized how terrified he had been that Seungri was okay with everything. But the relief was short lived because he wasn’t ready to confront Seungri. If he said the words he had to say, it would be too real and the pain would be too much. Jiyong hugged himself, his fingers pressing down hard on his shoulders.

“No” he said without looking up at the maknae

“We need to talk” Seungri said, enunciating each word clearly

“No” Jiyong repeated slowly

He finally looked up at the maknae and whatever Seungri was about to say got stuck in his throat. Jiyong didn’t know what Seungri saw in his eyes but suddenly Seungri’s face was filled with sadness.

“Okay hyung” Seungri nodded “good night” and he left the room.

~

That night when he got home, Jiyong felt more lonely than he had in a long time. He wanted to blame it on Seungri, but he knew it wouldn't be fair. This feeling had been slowly creeping up on him for years now.

Usually, even if because of his line of work he was alone most of the time, he could endure it well. And yet through the years he had felt himself change. Nights where he felt lonely were more and more common and he felt like he was losing a part of himself. He wasn’t sure who he was becoming.

It wasn’t like that when he was on stage though. He liked being on stage. Everything was easy on there. He was always G-Dragon. And with friends he felt like he was still Jiyong. On most nights, even when he was alone, he knew who he was at his core. But on nights where he felt lonely like this, he wasn’t sure. On nights like these he craved company. And whenever he felt like that, he would usually call his members.

And when he felt at his very lowest, he would call Seungri. But tonight he couldn’t.  

_Will you be my friend tonight? On this good day, this beautiful day, this day where I miss you_

So he did what he did best. He started writing lyrics. Lyrics about love, about disappointment, about a story he hadn’t lived but that was still his own. He wrote about a desperate man’s last plea for love, for a friend, before he gave up and embraced bitterness. He wrote about feeling lonely, about being misunderstood. He wrote a song about nothing in particular but a song that described perfectly well the way he felt.

He was done in under an hour and then he started working on the melody. He used his phone to record and test out the lyrics and the clock told him it was 4 am by the time he was done. After taking a shower he was still feeling the high from the intimate episode he had just experienced.

If there was one thing he was certain of on this earth, it was that he loved making making music. All his songs always felt too intimate, there was always a part of himself in each and every one. And maybe that's why people seemed to connect to his songs, because he was present in everything, from the very first letter he wrote down to the very last note that was played.

He thought about trying to write another song, just like in the old days where he could write 2-3 songs in one sitting, but gave up on the idea when he realized how tired he was. He was too restless to sleep though so he decided to drink some wine.

He sat down in front of the French window that overlooked Seoul and focused on all those pretty lights shining in the distance; but then he noticed his reflection. Unlike a few hours ago, this time he could recognize the man in the glass, he didn't know exactly what his name was, but he knew him, he knew what he was made of, and he felt at peace.

He lay in bed, hoping sleep would engulf him. Half-asleep, he started thinking back to the song, and then he saw thousands of yellow lights in the dark, shining just for him. Not just for him though. For him and his brothers...and Seungri.

The peace he had felt a few minutes ago started to fade and was replaced by something more urgent. His Seungri. Seungri that wasn’t his. Beautiful Seungri who had moaned under Jiyong’s touch and kisses. Naughty Seungri who had bitten his earlobe and rubbed himself against Jiyong. Naive Seungri who had looked down at Jiyong with trust in his eyes... And then Jiyong’s brain betrayed him even more and he remembered the way Seungri had tasted and felt in his hands and a pressing urge came over him. He didn't try to fight it. He gave in to lust and the sweet relief only lasted a few seconds, but it was still long enough for him to fall asleep.

~

_“Maknae” Jiyong said as he opened the door to Seungri's room_

_Seungri was in bed, asleep. Jiyong hesitated a few seconds but then came in and crouched down to look at his sleeping maknae. Seungri looked so cute, his long eyelashes resting softly against his dark circles, his unruly black curls hiding most of his forehead. Jiyong couldn't resist the urge to play with a few of them._

_The maknae stirred in his sleep and when he opened his eyes he smiled._

_“Hyung” he said and Jiyong loved his husky voice._

_It felt like a warm blanket covering him in a rainy day. He made a mental note to try writing a part in a song that would go well with that voice._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“You don’t want me here?”_

_“Always fishing for compliments” Seungri said, rolling his eyes_

_Seungri was right. Jiyong always needed reassurance. He liked knowing that the maknae needed him, that he was essential to him. But why? Jiyong contemplated this for a few seconds and then Seungri smoothed out the little wrinkle that had formed between Jiyong’s eyebrows._

_Jiyong sighed and grabbed Seungri’s finger and then his hand between his._

_“I miss you maknae, you don't pay attention to me anymore”_

_Seungri smiled at that and Jiyong didn’t know what to make of it. He felt like he was missing something, like there was some secret and if he asked it would be revealed to him, but he didn’t know if he was ready to find out._

_“That's not true” and Seungri scooted over to make room for Jiyong in the bed._

_Jiyong climbed in and he noticed how even if it was Seungri's bed, the maknae made sure that most of the space was available to Jiyong._

_They started talking in hushed tones, maybe not to disrupt the silence of the night, or maybe because they felt like they were getting too old for this._

_“We have a couple name” Jiyong said_

_“What? We're not a couple”_

_“I know that” but Jiyong felt somewhat angry out of nowhere_

_“Yes, so why would we have a name?”_

_“You know how people are” Jiyong said, shrugging_

_“What's the name?”_

_And Jiyong lied and said he didn't remember because he saw panic in Seungri's eyes. But Seungri was being silly. Of course they weren't a couple, so what did it matter if they had a name or not?_

_“Who's your favorite hyung?” Jiyong asked him a while later_

_“Of course it's you hyung”_

_And Jiyong realized this warm feeling that originated in his chest but then filled his entire body was the reason he kept coming back to Seungri._

_“So don't forget and pay more attention to your favorite hyung okay?”_

_“Yes hyung”_

_“Good night Seungri”_

_“Night hyung"_

_A while later Jiyong remembered the reason why he'd come into Seungri's room_

_“Oh, I'm missing some underwear, did you take it?”_

_No answer._

_“Seungri, I know you're not asleep”_

_Silence._

_“Seungri”_

_“Hyung I think it's late, let's sleep”_

_“Yah! You stole my underwear!”_

_And Jiyong had taken off Seungri's pants in revenge right there but the maknae burst out crying. Jiyong apologized profusely and wiped Seungri's tears chuckling. Seungri was still a cute baby. Much to Seungri's embarrassment, it was an episode Jiyong told many times in interviews._

_“Who's your favorite hyung?” Jiyong asked him many times after that_

_“Not you” Seungri would answer_

_And they both knew it was a lie, but the more Seungri pretended to pull away, the more Jiyong gave chase._

_~_

Jiyong loved Seungri and Seungri loved Jiyong. Everyone knew that.

But Jiyong loved many things, Jiyong was full of love. He loved music, he loved the stage, he loved being loved, he loved his dongsaengs, the number 8, animals, flowers, everything. He loved Youngbae, Seunghyun and Daesung. He loved love and he loved pain.

Getting Jiyong to love you was not that hard.

Jiyong also loved Seungri, but he loved Seungri differently. And Seungri loved Jiyong, but he loved him differently. They loved each other in a way that was way beyond friendship, in a way that was too intimate, too pure, too ugly, in a way that hurt.

Sometimes Jiyong would get mad at Seungri, but he wouldn't yell. He'd pretend everything was fine and then throw some remark that was meant to hurt him. Jiyong would tell Seungri that he was good, but could do better, as if Seungri was never good enough. He'd tell Seungri he was still too young, as if Seungri didn't know anything about life. Sometimes Jiyong would avoid him for days but then complain when Seungri didn't answer his calls. He'd say something that would wound Seungri's ego, and Seungri would laugh it off, but then with one look Jiyong would make Seungri feel like he was the most amazing man that had ever been born on Earth.

Jiyong was hot and cold and Seungri had thought Jiyong loved playing games, push and pull, but he had figured out that wasn't the case.

That was just Jiyong loving him differently than he did the others.

Jiyong loved Seungri in a way he didn't want to, in a way that hurt. Maybe love was always painful to Jiyong, or maybe loving Seungri was painful. Or maybe love was just painful in general.

Seungri loved Jiyong and sometimes it seemed like he loved him too much.

Jiyong loved Seungri but sometimes it seemed like he didn't like him at all.

They loved in very different ways, so Seungri had never been sure that Jiyong loved him with the same intensity he did.

And because they loved each other like that, sometimes Seungri wished they didn't love each other at all.

But Jiyong loved Seungri and Seungri loved Jiyong.

And Seungri finally knew how much Jiyong loved him. He had seen it and felt it that night when Jiyong had whispered his name against his lips. He had seen it all throughout the years, but had been too afraid to believe it, too afraid to accept his own feelings. But most importantly, he had seen it in Jiyong's eyes tonight.

_“We need to talk”_

_“No”_

He hadn't seen love, not directly, because that would have been too easy. Nothing was easy with Jiyong. He had seen pain. Raw, undiluted pain. And pain and love were closely related if your name was Kwon Jiyong.

Jiyong was full of love. Getting Jiyong to love you was not that hard. But getting Jiyong to _hurt_ for you, that's how you knew how much you meant to him.

And loving Seungri was painful. But loving Jiyong was painful too.

Seungri knew that Jiyong was different than everyone else. He had a way with words, with music, he knew how to connect notes and shape them like a key that could open the door to anyone's heart. Because Jiyong lived through his lyrics, he made you want to live too, and experience what he was feeling, no matter what emotion it was. He made you live through his music. Effortlessly.

Or so Seungri had thought. But he had quickly realized that being Jiyong came with a price. Jiyong felt deeper, and hurt deeper too. And Jiyong loved Seungri, but he didn’t know how to love him right. And many people loved Jiyong, but many people loved him wrong.

Seungri wanted to love him right. Seungri wanted to be loved without it hurting so much. He just needed to figure out how.


	3. In between

In the morning they had dance practice and when Jiyong got there, Seungri was already waiting.

“Did you fall from the bed?” Jiyong asked because if he hadn't it would be awkward.

But Jiyong also asked because despite not being ready to talk about _that_ with Seungri,  he wanted Seungri to want to talk about it. It was weird the way the maknae had just left the night before. Jiyong didn't like not knowing why or being at a disadvantage.

“I should be asking you that hyung” Seungri murmured, but instead of looking at him he looked at the ground

 _Look at me,_ Jiyong wanted to say, not because he had anything to show Seungri,  but because he wanted to observe. But maybe that was the problem, Jiyong thought. He always took from the maknae, but then again, the maknae had always been willing to give. Couldn't he give in a little more and forget everything?

“I was up early recording”

“Ah” Seungri said, but he was looking at his phone

Jiyong didn't like it when Seungri was like that, and he was mad that Seungri would get like that because of him. Seungri was a cheerful person, and Jiyong didn't want to be the reason the maknae would be down.

Youngbae arrived and hugged them both. Sometimes Youngbae was like that, and Jiyong liked his hugs because they were warm. Suddenly he wondered what people felt when he hugged them and if they liked his hugs.

“- hyung, I told you I don't do that!” Seungri said as he pointed at Youngbae

“But it's true! You open your mouth wide and show your teeth, like this, like this”

“Ah hyung”

As he heard Seungri laughing, Jiyong thought that maybe he liked it more when Seungri had seemed sad. At least then he hadn't felt these weird ugly emotions inside of him that he couldn’t name.

_I really am a jerk, huh_

_~_

For the rest of the day Jiyong tried to ignore Seungri but failed miserably. It didn't help that the maknae had followed Youngbae and decided to practice shirtless. Jiyong was sure that it was for his benefit, but then he thought he was too self-centered by thinking that.

Either way, he caught himself stealing glances at Seungri through the mirror more than once. Seungri noticed, of course, but there was nothing Jiyong could do about that. But then once or twice Jiyong could have sworn he felt Seungri's eyes on him too… but that was just probably wishful thinking. And yet it almost felt like a game, a _dance_ , where they had to observe the other without being caught. Seungri had always been the better dancer.

“Is everything okay hyung?” Daesung asked Jiyong as they sat on the floor, backs resting against the wall. 

Youngbae and Seungri were with Seunghyun going over the changes in the choreography.

They were doing a segment with all the old songs and had to reenact the old choreographies, but they were doing a few changes here and there. Those changes were proving to be a pain in the ass for Seunghyun, because he had memorized the old dances so well that he always made a mistake when the new moves came in.

“Of course I am” Jiyong lied

“Okay” Daesung nodded and Jiyong felt bad for lying because Daesung was a good kid who only asked about other people's businesses because he wanted to help  

“I'm not okay Daesung-ah, is it that obvious?” but he didn't wait for an answer as he rested his head against Daesung’s shoulder

“It's not too obvious but you know that my two small eyes see everything hyung”

Jiyong chuckled

“I'll be alright” he said, and he hoped it would be true

“Of course hyung, but you know I'm here if you ever need to talk”

“Same for you, Daesung-ah, really, you've been so mysterious lately that I'm starting to believe the rumours about your Japanese wife and 12 children”

“Oh is it 12 now? Last time I heard we only had 10” the younger boy laughed “but I think I'm gonna get a divorce, married life isn't for me”

“That's cuz you're married to the wrong person. I'll tell you what, after this dome tour we should take a vacation together and treat it as a honeymoon, what do you say? We can go anywhere you want to”

“Oh I'd like that hyung. Let's go to Hawaii”

“Deal” Jiyong said but he felt a pang in his chest as he remembered Seungri had suggested they all go on a vacation together to Hawaii

“Can I bring my 12 children though?” 

~

At night Jiyong would dream, but he didn't remember the dreams in the morning. Sometimes he’d wake up in a good mood and sometimes in a bad one. Once, he woke up crying but then other times he'd wake up full of hope. On good days, seeing Seungri didn't hurt as much, but on bad days, the maknae's cold attitude towards him would just make the ugly feeling inside him grow. Sometimes they would morph into anger, other times it was jealousy or longing.

Whenever he had free time, Jiyong would work on his song. The night he finished recording the demo, he played it in his car all the way home and then he played it on loop as he lay in bed.

He was proud of that song, and every time he listened to it he felt a sense of desperation growing inside of him, trying to claw its way out his chest, and no matter how many times he listened to it or even sang along to it in the darkness of his room, he needed more.

It wasn’t enough, the song was inside of him and he felt it in every molecule of his body, but it wasn't _intimate_ enough. He needed to sing it in front of a crowd, in front of thousands of people with his eyes closed so he could bleed his heart out on stage and everyone would be witness to the death and rebirth of a part of his soul.

Music was his life and he needed it to survive. He poured a part of himself into every song but not all of them _consumed_ him like this. When they did, he knew he had created something good and he felt like he knew more about life, like he had answered all the metaphysical questions fools could only dream of elucidating; when he created art, he felt like he owned the world, almost like a god. And it was from this feeling that G-dragon had been born, and why everyone loved him.

G-dragon was the part of himself he hated and liked the most. G-dragon was too cocky, _too much_ , but the bastard got to experience the feelings Jiyong wanted, the feelings of being consumed by something until it became a part of you, until you became it. G-dragon was music, he was art. It was all born from Jiyong, but somehow G-dragon got to reap the benefits.

And yet, something in his life did make him, _Jiyong,_ feel that way. It was something he hadn’t noticed at first. It had been subtle and against his will. It had been stronger than him and he had given in, multiple times.

He had decided to hate Seungri from the beginning but had failed. He had decided to treat him as a coworker but had failed. He had decided to only be friends and had foolishly thought he was succeeding, when in fact he was slowly falling in love.

He didn’t know when it had happened exactly. Maybe it had been how even as a teenager, Seungri would always look at him with admiration and awe, as if Jiyong had all the answers - Jiyong had hated that look, that trust, because he'd always known he'd let Seungri down… and yet, every time Seungri looked at him like that, he wanted to give him everything, the rest of the world be damned. Maybe it was in the way holding Seungri’s hand would make him feel at peace and in pain all at once. Maybe it had happened one night when Jiyong had had trouble writing lyrics and had thrown his notebook and pen to the floor in frustration.

_“Hyung, are you okay?” Seungri knocked on his door_

In the beginning, Jiyong had tried to only show his best side to Seungri; nice, silly and playful Jiyong. He wasn't sure if it was because he felt guilty of how he'd treated the maknae in the beginning or because even then he'd tried to protect himself and keep a part of his soul to himself. But as time had gone by, Seungri had made it his goal to break down Jiyong’s barriers and always be there for him when Jiyong was having a hard time.

And that was something Jiyong hated and loved about him. Jiyong didn't want a confidant, especially not Seungri, because he didn't want to, couldn't, depend on him. Even then he had already wanted the maknae, he didn't want to _need_ him too.

Jiyong yawned and finally stopped the song playing on loop on his phone. Before he knew it, he fell asleep.

_“Yes, go away”_

_Seungri had come in. Jiyong was sitting at his desk, face buried in his arms. He didn’t bother to look up._

_“Ah” Seungri said and Jiyong guessed he’d seen the sheets of paper on the floor and the general mess he’d created in his anger._

_“Ah c’mon hyung, you’re G-dragon, you’ll overcome this”_

_The comment and the offhanded tone made Jiyong furious - you'll overcome this, as if it was that easy!- and he tried to count to three to calm down, then to eight, but it was futile. As he looked up and was about to let Seungri have it, he noticed the maknae was sitting at the foot of his bed...cross stitching?_

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Cross stitching”_

_Jiyong looked at him, dumbfounded, and started laughing, rubbing his face because he was both annoyed and amused at the same time._

_He got up from his chair and sprawled on his bed, looking up at his ceiling. Seungri put his cross stitch on the floor and sat cross legged next to Jiyong, who scooted over to make room for him._

_“I think you’re lying right on top of… does he even have a name?”_

_It took Jiyong a second to realize Seungri was talking about the guy that was on his bedsheets. It was a couple but he hadn’t named them yet._

_“Hmm let’s name him Tom” Jiyong said_

_He started running one finger across Seungri’s leg. He hated that he couldn’t be in the same room as Seungri without wanting to touch him. And he hated it when Seungri stopped him. He hated it more when he let him. He hated everything about Seungri, because everything about Seungri was pain and longing._

_Jiyong forced himself to stop touching Seungri and put his hand on his chest._

_“Then let’s name her Laura” the maknae said and started running a finger across Jiyong’s arm._

_Jiyong hated it when Seungri touched him, and he hated even more the fact that he didn’t do it often. So no matter how much Jiyong hated it, because it was so rare, Jiyong could never bring himself to stop it._

_He closed his eyes and eventually Seungri’s finger moved on from his arm to his face. Seungri brushed Jiyong's hair away from his eyes and suddenly the older boy felt exposed._

_“Hyung you are so pretty” Seungri murmured, so low, that Jiyong wondered if he had imagined it_

_Seungri kept tracing Jiyong's face with the tip of his finger, Jiyong's eyes, eyelashes, eyebrows…_

_Jiyong thought back to the first time he'd seen Seungri and how much Seungri had come to mean to him. Seungri was pain and Jiyong hated pain, but he was also addicted to it, especially when it hurt this good_

_...Jiyong's nose, cheeks, his mouth..._

_He thought back to all the times he had been happy with Seungri, all the laughs, the tears of joy. Maybe Seungri wasn't pain. Maybe he was happiness._

_… his chin and ear. When Seungri was out of things to trace, he stopped._

_Then Seungri started humming a song, one Jiyong had never heard. The melody was simple and Jiyong was sure Seungri was making it up on the spot. And as Seungri kept singing, he started adding lyrics and in the lyrics was the word love._

Love

_Jiyong’s heart started beating furiously in his chest and he should have cared that Seungri might be able to notice but he didn't._

Love, love, love.

_Jiyong didn't know if it was all the stress or Seungri's sweet voice but he suddenly felt sad and nostalgic._

Love, my love

_There were moments in everybody’s lives where you learned more about yourself. It could happen anywhere, you'd hear something, see something that would speak to you, you'd recognize it as a missing piece of yourself, something that made you feel a bit more whole. This was one of those moments for Jiyong._

My love, my everything

_He didn’t know exactly what he learned about himself in that moment, but he knew that he had discovered a bit more about what his soul was made of, what made it function, and what could shatter it to pieces._

_Seungri finished singing the song but Jiyong didn’t open his eyes._

_Seungri was pain. Jiyong hated everything about Seungri._

_“Seriously hyung, you’re G-dragon. You can do it. And if you’re having a hard time, we’re here. I'll always be here”_

_Jiyong hated everything about Seungri... except Seungri himself._

_“I’m not G-dragon. I’m Jiyong”_

_“They’re not the same?”_

_“No”_

_And Seungri was quiet for a long time._

_“I see” he finally said “I like Jiyong more”_

_Maybe Seungri wasn't pain. Maybe he wasn't happiness either. Maybe he was both._

_Maybe he was just_ love _._

_They fell asleep holding hands that night._

In the morning, as usual, Jiyong couldn’t remember his dream, but there was something in the back of his brain, demanding attention. He felt as if it was important to remember but the harder he tried, the more elusive it became.

_A melody. A song. A word._

But then he thought back to his own song, and that pressing feeling urging him to remember was forgotten.

~

The next week they had more meetings with the staff and the band. During one meeting Seungri suggested doing some remixes of the songs. His eyes were bright and excited and he seemed a bit nervous.

“You do it” Jiyong told him “you should personally take care of it”

No matter what was going on between them, he believed in Seungri's abilities as an artist.

“Yes hyung”

The look Seungri gave him, gratitude mixed with something else that had made his eyes look intense, had put Jiyong in a weird mood for the rest of the day.

~

Seungri didn't know how to behave around Jiyong. Ever since they met, he had never quite known. On the outside, people would assume Seungri was the one winning, as if their lives were a game and someone had to be in control. Someone was, but it wasn't Seungri.

Jiyong had always wanted the maknae, but it had always been Seungri who needed Jiyong. And Jiyong knew it but had always chosen to pretend he didn't.  

So Seungri, in an attempt to preserve his own heart, had always tried to put up some space between them. And Jiyong hated that. The more Seungri drew away, the more Jiyong gave chase. So people tended to think Seungri had Jiyong wrapped around his finger. People thought that in their relationship, whatever it was, Seungri was the one who set the pace. And sometimes, it had made Seungri feel like he was the one leading the game.

_“Hyung, let go, people will start talking about us”_

_“They already are.They call us nyongtory”_

_“I know so let go”_

And of course Jiyong had held his hand everytime he could. When they would watch TV, when they'd go out, when they slept on the same bed.

And Jiyong had done it, Seungri had been sure, because he thought it was cute that the maknae was embarrassed. But every time they held hands, Seungri had wanted more, he had wanted it to be real.

_“Seungri, let's go to the movies”_

_“I can't, I'm meeting Youngbae hyung to go over some choreographies”_

And Jiyong had announced to the nation in a radio show _“Seungri is mine”._

And it had only been Jiyong being possessive, but Seungri’s heart had skipped a beat and he'd felt as if those words had implanted themselves in his soul without asking permission, without saying I'm sorry.

But Seungri didn't want to be anybody's, he didn't want to be Jiyong's and yet he _needed_ to know that he was.

So Seungri didn't know how to behave. Especially now, because now he knew that all along Jiyong had needed him just like Seungri had. And yet, Jiyong had pretended otherwise. But maybe that was because it was the only way Jiyong knew how to survive.

~

“Let's all go have dinner together!” Seunghyun suggested one night

Jiyong’s eyes immediately sought out Seungri and Seungri's heart skipped a beat. But then Jiyong looked away and Seungri felt stupid. He needed to do something, this awkwardness between them was getting unbearable. But what could one do when two people were in love but one side liked to pretend it wasn't the case?

They all agreed to meet after band practice but at the last minute Seunghyun apologized and said he couldn’t make it.

“Maybe if I win a gold medal Top hyung would eat with us” Youngbae said and Seungri laughed, but he wondered if this was going to be one of those recurrent jokes of Youngbae’s.

They decided to go for drinks instead and an hour later Jiyong and Daesung were drunk and a giggly mess.

“Smell!” Daesung said as he leaned against Seungri

Jiyong erupted in laughter and he started clapping.

“He smells like peaches” he added, giggling

“Yes! His cute little butt is like a peach too”

Seungri and Youngbae exchanged a look.

“Idiots” Youngbae said, laughing

“So anyways, you guys like my hugs?” Jiyong asked out of the blue

“Of course we do hyung!”

“Ah Daesung-ah, my dongsaeng, thank you” and he held Daesung tight in his arms.

Looking at them, Seungri realized something. Before, Jiyong would always try to hold Seungri's hand, touch his face. Jiyong loved skinship and gave it away to everyone he loved, Seungri knew that. So he never thought that Jiyong loved him more when Jiyong held his hand or touched his thigh absentmindedly. When Jiyong touched him like that it had no hidden value.

But sometimes Jiyong would touch Seungri differently, mostly when it was just the two of them. Jiyong would touch him not because Jiyong was affectionate with everyone, but because it was Seungri he was touching, because he couldn't help himself. Not because he was barely aware of what he was doing, but when he knew exactly what he was doing, those were the times Seungri craved his touch.

Seungri wasn't as affectionate. He didn’t give his touch away freely. Every single touch from him meant something. And Jiyong knew that. So that's where Seungri would start. This time it would be Seungri the one giving chase.

“Cheers!” Seungri said and they all cheered together

~

_“Seungri, have you ever been in love?”_

_“No” the lie left his lips so easily that he almost thought he was telling the truth._

_But then Jiyong looked at him with sad eyes, and Seungri felt like a fool._

_“Why is it so easy to fall for someone but so hard to stay in love?"_

_And Seungri had thought Jiyong didn’t really know anything about love, because no matter how hard he tried, Seungri couldn’t not be in love._

_~_

The next day Jiyong noticed a change in Seungri. Instead of avoiding him, Seungri would sit next to him, he'd slap his shoulder when he laughed, he'd touch his arm. The day after that, Seungri rested his head against Jiyong's shoulder in the van. He even held his hand and commented how soft and elegant it was. When they went on a talk show and Seungri sat on Jiyong's lap in the waiting room, Jiyong thought he would die right then and there. He didn't know how to react. It was weird and too sudden. And others noticed too.

“How long has it been since you had a girlfriend?” Youngbae asked him as they were all sitting on the floor, resting after another dance practice.

“A while” the maknae answered

“Ah but girlfriends and girls are not the same right maknae?” Seunghyun had said and Seungri had laughed and Jiyong wanted to know what that laugh meant

“Either way I think it's been too long since you had either. You're touching Jiyong way too much lately”

“I don't mind” Jiyong said and he hadn't meant to say that, but Seungri's face had gone red after Youngbae’s comment and Jiyong had felt his pulse quicken

“Of course you don't” Seunghyun snorted “anyways, it's been too long since _I_ ’ve had a girlfriend too, I'm going crazy, I'm even starting to think Daesung is as sexy as Japanese make him out to be”

“Hey, you could do a lot worse than Kang Daesung” Jiyong told him in a mock serious tone and he and Daesung bumped fists

“Does your girlfriend need to be a gold medalist too? Cuz that will just make it more difficult to find one” Youngbae said and Jiyong tuned them out because he felt eyes on him.

Seungri was looking at him in a way that made his stomach feel weird. So Jiyong slapped the maknae softly and Seungri smiled. At him. Jiyong's hand lingered on Seungri's cheek and Jiyong was sure that if he got up and tried to fly, he'd succeed. Then Seungri lay down and rested his head on Jiyong's thigh and his pulse rang loudly in his ears.

He looked down at Seungri and tried to comprehend how it was possible that the boy that was on his lap was the world to him. Humans were tiny, insignificant things, and yet Seungri seemed so much bigger than anything else, than the universe itself.

Hesitantly, Jiyong ran his fingers through Seungri's curls and Seungri practically started purring. His eyes were closed and a content smile was on his face.

“There you go being lovey-dovey again” Youngbae said and Jiyong looked up “ _I_ am the one who needs a girlfriend”

And Jiyong noticed that Seunghyun and Daesung were running around the room, the older boy asking his dongsaeng “marry me Daesung, marry me!”

“You’re a bunch of idiots” Youngbae said as he got up, but he was smiling

Jiyong tuned everything out again and focused back on Seungri. He was looking up at him and Jiyong felt his chest full because the maknae was looking at him with a familiar look on his eyes. And Jiyong didn't want to ruin the mood but he needed to know.

“Why the change?” he murmured “Did- did something happen that night we went for drinks?”

“Nothing happened hyung”

~

“ _I wanna touch you, like before, hold your hand, hug you”_

_Seungri had accompanied drunk Jiyong outside and was helping him get into his van._

_“Then why don't you hyung?”_

_“Because I'm afraid you'll pull away or hate me if I do” and it was as if Jiyong had reached inside Seungri's chest and squeezed his heart_

_“You like my hugs, right Seunghyunie?”_

_And there he was again, taking from him, demanding he admit his feelings. And Seungri would have been mad, but Jiyong looked too sad and it was making him want to protect his fragile leader._

_“Of course I do hyung”_

_“I miss you Seungri. So much. I'm sorry” and Jiyong had passed out and Seungri had closed the door to the van._

_He'd looked as it had driven away, and he'd decided that even if Jiyong had given up on them, Seungri was going to bring them back to life._

_~_

The rest of the month flew by and Jiyong and Seungri came to a sort of understanding. They didn't talk about that night and they acted like everything was fine.

For the most part it was worked, but then sometimes Seungri would say something or look at Jiyong in a way that made Jiyong want to find the nearest room and shut him up by putting his mouth to good use. When he had those thoughts Seungri would look at him smirking and Jiyong would avoid his eyes.

When he was least expecting it, Seungri would come up behind him, slip his arms around his waist, and rest his head on his shoulder. Usually it was Jiyong who did things like this and not Seungri. And now that he was on the receiving end he wasn't sure he liked it. He liked it _too much_ but it felt as though it shouldn't be something they should be doing in front of everyone.

And yet every time Seungri did it Jiyong never stopped him.

~

“She's cute” Jiyong said as he came up behind Youngbae who'd been looking at photos of an actress on his phone

Youngbae cleared his throat and shrugged noncommittally but Jiyong could see right through him.

“She's the friend of a friend Youngbae, just say the word”

“I say the word and then what?”

“And I set you up and you meet her and fall in love and get married”

Youngbae didn't seem convinced.

“I'll think about it. Ah but shouldn't you be worrying about your love life too? Or now that Seungri is no longer mad at you you're fine?"

“Wha-what?” Jiyong almost choked on his saliva

“Ah c'mon, the maknae is clearly flirting with you lately. He always does but now it's obvious to everyone. You're being disgustingly sweet to each other”

Was that what Seungri was doing? Jiyong felt something weird in his stomach. He thought that maybe Seungri was letting everything go, trying to forget that night, that things were going back to normal. But he was _flirting_? Suddenly Jiyong blushed and he felt the need to cool his cheeks with his hands.

“And by the look on your face every time he does it you obviously like it”

“I do not. What do you know about flirting anyways” Jiyong said and Youngbae stuck his tongue out at him

“I'm just saying Jiyong, be careful, you're my friend but Seungri is too, I don't want to see either of you get hurt. I don't wanna have to kick either of your asses”

~

That night when he got home Jiyong felt restless and without giving it much thought he dialed Seungri's number.

“Hello?” A hesitant voice answered

“Hi”

“Hi”

Jiyong cleared his throat and regretted calling, because it was awkward and it was his fault. But then he remembered Youngbae's words, “the maknae is flirting”, and he felt butterflies in his stomach and he knew he needed to hear Seungri's voice.

“So...what is it hyung?”

“Uh well I just wanted to warn you to not be late tomorrow”

“Isn't the van picking up all of us anyways?”

Seungri's voice always sounded different on the phone, more mature, and it always made Jiyong want to grab a pen and paper and start writing lyrics for him. He wanted to make sexy lyrics for Seungri, because his voice could be sweet as honey, but also oozing with sex appeal.

“Yes but I don't want you to make us wait in front of your apartment for long”

Jiyong heard a rustling sound and he wondered if Seungri was in bed. He looked at the time and saw it was still early. Seungri was probably lying on his couch, feet propped up on the back of it, head dangling upside down. Jiyong started playing with the threads of his ripped jeans.

“Is that all you had to say hyung?”

“Why, you have to go?”

“No” but he answered way too fast and Jiyong knew it was a lie

“You're going out tonight?”

And Jiyong wanted to tell him not to and to come over  instead but even Jiyong wasn't that stupid.

“I was going to but maybe I shouldn't”

Jiyong suddenly missed the days when they lived together and a disheveled Seungri would tell Jiyong stories about his nights out over breakfast.

“Go maknae, but don't have too much fun”

“No, really hyung, I don't have to-”

“Bye, and don't be late”

~

It was Jiyong the one who was late the next morning but luckily he was the first one the van had to pick up, so Seungri didn't find out. As they filled the van one by one, Jiyong made sure to save the seat next to him. Seungri was on time and as he climbed inside, he smiled widely at everyone.

“Good morning hyungs”

“Shut up” Seunghyun said as he put earphones on and burrowed in his seat, trying to get some sleep

The maknae sat next to the leader, their thighs touching and the warmth from Seungri's body next to his felt like home to Jiyong.

“You're way too happy and on time maknae, that's weird” Youngbae commented

“What, I'm not allowed?” And Seungri had smiled his cute innocent smile, the one everyone liked

Seungri _was_ cheerful and Jiyong couldn't help but wonder if something had happened the night before. He put his sunglasses on and pretend to sleep.

“What did you do last night?” Youngbae asked him and Jiyong listened attentively to Seungri's answer

“Not much, went out with a friend but didn't stay out late, because you know, I didn't want to be late today”

Jiyong felt a nudge on his leg.

“Then why are you so happy?”

“I just got a call I had been expecting for too long”

And Jiyong felt happy and giddy but also guilty and sorry. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips hough, but he tried to hide it with the collar of his sweater.

~

“Hyung?” Seungri called as he caught up with Daesung as they were walking to their gate at the airport

“Yes?”

Seungri hesitated.

“Seunghyunie, are you okay?”

Seungri wasn’t okay. He was in love. But whatever.

“Let’s change seats please”

Jiyong seemed a bit surprised as Seungri and not Daesung took the seat next to him, but he didn’t say anything. They didn’t talk as the plane took off and Seungri racked his brains to think of something to say but it was to no avail. He looked over at Jiyong and they made eye contact. Seungri gulped. Jiyong looked amused.

Seungri had had a dream the night before and in that dream Jiyong had been happy to see him. They'd been at the beach and had taken a swim together. Then Jiyong had hugged him and run his hands through Seungri's back. It had felt too real and too intense. And then they were on a bed, doing a photoshoot together and they had to kiss. They'd full on made out and when Seungri had woken up he'd stayed in bed too long, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Are you blushing?” Jiyong asked

“No. Anyways, I’m a bit tired so I’m gonna sleep”

“Oh I’m so glad you sat next to me. It’s not gonna be a boring flight at all”

Seungri ignored Jiyong’s sarcasm and adjusted his neck pillow.

“I'm tired hyung, good night”

“Stop watching so much porn at night and maybe you won't be so tired”

“Right” he said and before he chickened out he rested his head on Jiyong’s shoulder. Jiyong became incredibly still, just like anytime Seungri got too close nowadays.

“What are you doing?” Jiyong asked in a low tone

“Sleeping”

“You’ve got plenty of room in your seat”

Seungri felt his heart rate pick up as he waited to see if Jiyong would push him away. But he didn’t. Instead he rested his head against Seungri’s and the maknae wished they were on a longer flight.

 


	4. Just one last time

On stage it was as if nothing had changed, they were a well oiled machine and no awkwardness infiltrated their performance.

During his dj set, Seungri was nervous and he accidentally stopped the music mid-performance. But a shy smile and a few jokes had the crowd chanting his name and praising him for how cute he was. Then it all went smoothly and the crowd was even louder. Jiyong felt proud. Nothing could quite compare to the way seeing his members on stage made him feel. He almost felt starstruck.

There were moments where Seungri pushed his luck, quickly realizing that Jiyong’s guard was lower on stage.

“I won most beloved maknae once again” Seungri said in a tone that made it seem like a huge burden “I think my members love me too much, especially G-dragon san” and the crowd had gone wild as Seungri lightly tapped Jiyong on the chest.

The leaders eyes had shone with amusement and he had cupped Seungri's cheek, whispering “cute” under his breath.

When Daesung and Seunghyun started slow dancing, Seungri didn’t hesitate to seek out Jiyong, who had no choice but to start dancing with him. But then Seungri leaned forward with a kissy face... and Jiyong immediately pulled back. Seungri could see the smile that spread on his face though, and Seungri wished the tour never ended.

~

“Are you trying to get me drunk Seungri?”

They were in Jiyong’s room, drinking soju. It was Seunghyun who had suggested they all drink some wine together to celebrate that they were done with the first city. Youngbae and Daesung had now gone to their rooms and Seunghyun was passed out on the couch. Seungri had brought out the bottle of soju.

“I don’t need to get you drunk hyung” and he gave Jiyong an impish look

Seungri was feeling drunk on all their interactions on stage and he knew Jiyong was too.  

Jiyong scoffed.

“You are too cocky maknae”

But Seungri wasn’t cocky. He had been, when he was younger, but life had taken him down a peg or two. He didn’t show it to others though, no one needed to know how his opinion of himself wasn't what it used to be. Everyone liked silly, smug Seungri, so he pretended for everyone’s sake. No one knew he was faking it. There was a difference between being cocky and simply stating a fact though.

“I’m just telling the truth”

“You’re lying”

“You weren’t drunk when you kissed me last time”

Jiyong’s eyes flashed with something. Disbelief Seungri had brought up that night?

“You weren’t drunk when you unbuttoned my pants and dropped to your knees for me. I gotta say hyung, you are _really good_ at that”

Anger? Lust?

Jiyong licked his lips and Seungri felt like he was burning. Every nerve ending in his body came alive.

“That won't happen again”

This time it was Seungri's turn to scoff.

“Hyung, let's be real here. We both know you're attracted to me. And we both know that if I wanted to, I could have you right here and now”

But he wouldn't, because Seungri didn't want just one night with Jiyong. He needed forever.

Jiyong looked at him with a serious expression, and Seungri didn't know if the leader was seconds away from punching him or fucking him. He didn't deny Seungri's affirmation though and his eyes started wandering over Seungri's body.

Seungri's skin felt too tight under Jiyong's gaze and the maknae thought that it had been too long since he’d had sex.

“Had you ever done _that_ before hyung? You didn't do it for long because we were interrupted but you were _mind-blowingly_ _good_ ”

As soon as the question left Seungri’s lips, Jiyong averted his eyes. He cracked his neck, then his fingers. Seungri was about to ask the question again but then Jiyong looked directly at Seungri’s eyes.

“No. Only for you”

The tension in the room was thick as they looked at each other. The only sound was Seunghyun’s snoring and their heavy breaths. Then Seungri looked at Jiyongs lips, because his lips were art. Because those lips had been wrapped around him, because those lips had given him the most pleasurable experience. Because he needed to feel those lips on his skin again.

“Well I guess that’s just one more thing you’re a natural at”

And then Seungri moved, because he was being burned alive, and Jiyong looked like he was being burned too and maybe they could combust together.

But then a loud bang resonated in the room and stopped Seungri in his tracks. He looked in the direction of the noise and saw a lamp on the floor and a sleepy Seunghyun who was stretching his arms on the couch. Seunghyun looked at the lamp, confused. He rubbed his eyes and yawned and then looked over at them.

“Jiyong? Seungri?” Seunghyun said and Seungri saw the understanding in his face as he realized what had been about to happen. He saw Seunghyun taking it all in, the two of them on the floor, Jiyong sitting cross legged and Seungri on all fours, crawling his way to Jiyong.

“Oh… _oh_ ”

Seungri couldn’t help it and threw Seunghyun a murderous look before closing his eyes and sighing deeply.

_So close._

But it was for the best. Jiyong wasn't ready yet.

Seungri heard Jiyong getting up and then a door closing. When he opened his eyes again, Seunghyun was kneeling in front of him.

“Seungri I’m sorry, so sorry. Sumimasen” he said and started rubbing his hands in an apologetic manner and bowed repeatedly. “I’m so sorry, sumimasen”

_Sumima… what the-_

Seungri looked at him, perplexed and despite the thousand emotions going through him in that moment, all he could do was laugh.

~

Jiyong was being seduced. He knew it and he shouldn't like it but he couldn't help how good it made him feel. He wanted to be seduced because then it would mean he tried to fight it but that it was stronger than him in the end. He wanted to cave into lust and let Seungri have his way with him. He wanted to kiss him and drive him crazy with need. He wanted to taste him again, to feel Seungri’s mouth against his skin. He wanted to hold Seungri’s hands above his head so Seungri couldn’t grip anything as he drove into him. He wanted to hear him moan and see his face as he brought pleasure to his world. He wanted to fuck him for hours until they couldn't remember a time when they hadn't been together. He wanted to- he wanted to do everything with Seungri. He wanted Seungri to be his. And he wanted to be Seungri’s.

~

The tour continued and it was full of moments the fans would never forget. Every time Daesung would pump his chest, every time Youngbae took off his shirt and every time Seunghyun took off his glasses the crowd would scream. Whenever Seungri talked during the MCs they laughed loudly and Jiyong did too, even if he didn't understand completely.

“Thra- thra”

“Stop” Seungri waved his hand in front of Jiyong “this is inappropriate!”

“I was just getting ready”

And Jiyong stuck his tongue out again to say the word Younbae had made up and his eyes shone with amusement as he looked at Seungri.

“This is not right!” and it wasn't, because that tongue reminded Seungri of things he couldn't be thinking about on stage.

During his rap parts, sometimes Seungri would come running to Jiyong. Sometimes Jiyong would run away and Seungri would chase him, and they would both smile and laugh and Jiyong would eventually let the maknae rap because it made him happy, and Jiyong loved it when Seungri was happy.

Being on stage and being G-dragon definitely had its perks. He felt more free, he knew he could hold and joke around with Seungri and nothing would come out of it because they were in front of thousands of people. Maybe some people called it fanservice, but it wasn't, not by a long shot. He didn't do this for the fans, he did it for himself, because it was the only way he could allow himself to be with Seungri.

~

They celebrated Seungri's birthday with the fans.

“Where's my candle?? Where is my candle??” Seungri kept complaining as he saw his birthday cake.

That night, Jiyong went to Seungri's room.

“Happy birthday maknae” he said as he handed him a gift.

It was a watch.

“From your favorite hyung” Seungri read the card out loud with a big smile.

Jiyong smiled back at him with a smile so sweet and full of love that Seungri let himself hope. 

One word was engraved on the watch.

_Happiness._

Is this what Seungri meant to Jiyong?

Seungri felt a warm feeling invade his chest and he looked at Jiyong with eyes filled with tears.

“Thank you hyung”

They looked at each other and Seungri wanted to say something more because he was feeling too many happy feelings and it wasn’t fair that it all stayed locked inside of him. But the look on Jiyong’s face changed slowly until he looked desolate and his eyes looked dead. Jiyong looked as if he had seen his future and it could be beautiful, but somehow it was a future that would never happen because it was a path they would never take.

It had been the same look Seungri had seen in the mirror after Jiyong had avoided his messages and calls.

“Happy birthday Seungri”

And Jiyong left.

_Happiness._

Maybe that was what they could never entirely be to each other.

~

_“Seungri I have a present for you” Jiyong told Seungri one day in the dressing room after they were done recording for a music show_

_The maknae's smile was immediate and as bright as the sun._

_“Gimme”  he said and made grabbing hands_

_And Jiyong had felt like laughing because in some ways Seungri still acted like a baby._

_“Patience” the leader said in a solemn tone_

_Seungri pouted and batted his eyelashes at Jiyong and the leader rolled his eyes and looked away, pretending to be unaffected. But he was only human and he was sure no man or woman on Earth could resist Seungri when he was acting cute. His cute little maknae Seungri. And then Jiyong laughed because the whole point of his gift was that the maknae had finally grown up._

_In the van on the way to the yg building Seungri could barely contain his excitement._

_“I wrote a song for you” Jiyong said and got out of the van, leaving a speechless Seungri behind_

_The maknae caught up to him at the entrance of the building._

_“You wrote a song for me? Me and not the group? Why?”_

_And Jiyong didn't know why exactly but one night he had looked at Seungri and all these lyrics had come to his mind. Seungri had grown up and it was unavoidable to look at him differently. It wasn't only the abs and muscles he had gained by hitting the gym regularly, but also the way he behaved. He had somehow managed to seem more mature without leaving behind his cute image._

_“Just because” Jiyong shrugged_

_“Oh my God hyung I love you so much” and Seungri had jumped on his back and Jiyong had given him a piggyback ride all the way to the studio._

_“I haven't even played it for you yet, maybe you'll hate it”_

_“It's the intention that counts hyung” Seungri said in a serious tone “But anything you write becomes a hit either way” and he smiled widely and started jumping around excitedly._

_Jiyong laughed and thought that maybe he should write more songs for Seungri if it made him this happy. Hell, he'd give him an entire album to make sure the smile never left his face._

_He waited until the maknae calmed down and then he played the demo for him, hugging him from behind. He could feel the tremors running through Seungri's body and when Jiyong pressed a hand against Seungri's heart, he felt his quickened heartbeat. Without having to say the words, Jiyong knew that Seungri loved it._

_“Hyung” Seungri said when it was over “this is exactly what I wanted, needed. I need the world to realize I'm not a child anymore. Thank you”_

_And he leaned against Jiyong and Jiyong felt like he had everything he needed in that room. Music and Seungri._

~

The next night at the concert, Seungri decided he wouldn’t give up yet. He sang a song to Jiyong, and the song said he was afraid but that he was finally going to reveal his feelings to him. The crowd went crazy and Jiyong hid his face with a towel. But as Seungri kept singing, Jiyong hugged him impulsively, shouting “I love you” into the mic.

And Seungri didn't care that he was only saying it because they weren't alone, Seungri didn't care that thousands were watching them. He hugged Jiyong as if it was the last time and wished and prayed to anyone that was listening that it wouldn’t be. They only had one city left and Seungri feared what would happen once they were done. So he clung tightly to the man he loved and when he was ready to let go, Jiyong clung even harder.

~

Jiyong was lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling and contemplating his existence on Earth when there was a knock at the door.

He got up, somewhat annoyed that someone was putting an end to his boredom. He hated being bored but he also knew it was essential to him. Screw necessity, sometimes boredom was the mother of invention.

He looked through the peephole and when he noticed it was Seungri, his annoyance was replaced by excitement. Fuck, this couldn't be good. He shouldn't be excited and feeling giddy every time he looked at Seungri. He knew he needed to put an end to this, whatever this was. All throughout the tour he had had moments were he knew deep in his bones that they could never be. He had to stop it before it was too late. _Soon_ , he told himself as he opened the door.

All thoughts vanished from his head and he felt a pang in his chest when one look at Seungri's face told him that the maknae had been crying. His face was puffy and a small pout was on his lips. His eyes were sad.

Jiyong let him in and as soon as the door closed, he pulled Seungri into a hug. He didn't have to ask why Seungri had cried, he could guess the reason anyways. It was the last day of the tour and after a concert they all tended to feel vulnerable and coped with it in different ways. Seungri usually went out to meet friends after dinner, but it seemed like he hadn't wanted to do that tonight.

Jiyong held him tight and Seungri sighed against his chest but then his sigh turned into sobs. Jiyong stroke his hair and rubbed his back, feeling powerless. Seungri was strong, on stage he never showed how things actually affected him but like anyone else, he had moments where he felt down. Jiyong hated that they all had moments like these but it was only normal, the highs were too high and so the lows felt too low.

Jiyong led Seungri to the bed and they sat there, Seungri still in Jiyong's arms, holding tightly to his hyung. And then Seungri started talking, he told Jiyong about things that hurt him and everything he said, all the truths he admitted, Jiyong kept close to his heart. He didn't have words to comfort Seungri and it didn't matter, because he knew that in that moment, Seungri just needed to let it out.

A few minutes later the younger boy seemed to have calmed down. He sniffed against Jiyong's skin and Jiyong remembered he was shirtless.

“How is your skin always so warm hyung?” Seungri asked

“I'm a dragon silly, it's because of all the fire inside of me”

“That was so lame” Seungri chuckled and in his eyes Jiyong saw gratitude

He ruffled the maknae’s hair.

“Let's watch a movie” the leader said

After some back and forth they finally settled on the Great Gatsby.

“Now tell me hyung” Seungri said halfway through the movie “who is more handsome? Me or DiCaprio?”

“DiCaprio” Jiyong answered matter of factly

Seungri snorted.

“I mean of course, if you compare him in the movie and me with my puffy eyes after crying he'd win, but what about after I've just had my makeup done?”

Jiyong looked at Seungri and even with puffy eyes Seungri was unbelievably cute.

“DiCaprio” Jiyong lied again

“In what way?”

“Every way”

Silence.

“Not the ass though right? I mean, have you seen my ass?”

Jiyong covered his face with his hand, laughing silently.

“You really just said that, with your own mouth” he shook his head, feigning disappointment.

Seungri was right though, it was a great ass.

Stealthily during the movie Seungri had moved closer to Jiyong. By the end of it, they were cuddling in bed. Jiyong turned the TV off and waited to see if Seungri would get up. But he had fallen asleep.

Jiyong held him close to him, feeling Seungri's heartbeat against his own chest. The maknae moved a bit in his sleep, entwining their legs together. Jiyong closed his eyes and sighed, trying to commit the feeling of a sleeping Seungri in his arms to memory. Soon he was going to have to put an end to this. They couldn’t keep going, it was only going to be more painful in the end. And there was going to be an end.

Seeing Seungri cry had broken something loose inside of Jiyong. A need to protect him from the world, and from himself. Seungri was pure, innocent even, when it came to love. Jiyong knew that if he told Seungri he wanted to give their relationship a try, Seungri would, because he was the type who didn’t cower from things. Jiyong was like that too, most of the time. But he couldn’t this time. This time many things were at stake. Their careers might not survive a scandal- _scandal_ , what a ridiculous word- like this one. And so many people depended on them. The other members, the staff, the company, their fans… He couldn’t risk it all, not even for Seungri.

But just for tonight, he was going to _pretend_. Pretend they lived in a society that could accept their love, and not just for fun, but for real. Pretend they had many more nights like this one ahead of them. Pretend they could have it all, keep doing music till they were grey and old and have fans who would always love them, and most importantly that they would love each ot-

The melody of his ringtone was a shrill sound against the silence of the night. Seungri stirred and sighed deeply, burrowing his face in Jiyong’s chest. Jiyong reached behind him, silencing his phone.

“Hmmmm hyung” Seungri mumbled in a sleepy voice “you smell nice”

A smile formed on Jiyong’s face.

“But you smell nicer” he said as he ran his hands through Seungri's hair “like peaches”

Jiyong could feel Seungri smile against his skin. Then he felt something soft against his chest and at first he thought he imagined it, but there it was again, something soft and warm, pressing against his heart.

_No._

But Seungri kissed his skin again and Jiyong’s heart broke the regular pattern it had managed to establish while Seungri was asleep. Warmth spread from the spots Seungri had kissed on his body and soon his breathing became irregular. But he just lay there, not moving.

_Seungri stop, please._

But the maknae kept kissing along his chest and then made his way to his neck. Finally, he moved back but only to murmur words that Jiyong would grow to love and hate, words he would always remember whenever he’d think back to this moment.

“Kiss me” Seungri said with a hoarse voice and puffy and hooded eyes from sleep, eyes that were looking at him with love and trust.

The “no” got stuck at Jiyong’s throat and Seungri didn’t wait for an answer anyways. He leaned into Jiyong and brushed his lips against his. The softest touch, barely any pressure, but it was the sweetest kiss of his life. Jiyong closed his eyes when Seungri applied more pressure and for a second he let himself kiss Seungri back. For a second, he was happy and in love. But then he stopped.

Seungri opened his eyes, which were still looking at him with love, as he repeated the words.

_Kiss me, please._

And just like that, that ugliness Jiyong had felt when they had seen each other after the night at his apartment was back.

“No” Jiyong said as he let go of Seungri and stood up.

The haze in Seungri’s eyes started clearing as he stood up too.

“What is happening hyung?” he sounded confused and afraid

Jiyong was mad. He had never hated himself more than in that moment but he was also mad at Seungri because he wasn’t giving him a choice. He wanted to have that night, just _one more night_ , but now he couldn’t.  

Seungri looked at him and whatever he saw in Jiyong’s face made his eyes grow wide with fear.  

“No hyung, I’m sorry. I-I wasn’t thinking, I -I won’t do that again. I’m sorry”

“Seungri-”

“Just pretend that didn't happen. It won’t happen again. I'm sorry. _Please_ ” Seungri started blinking rapidly and Jiyong knew that if he didn’t do this quickly, he might not do it at all.

So he took a deep breath and broke both their hearts.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I'm still experimenting with my writing and I wanted to try something new again :)


End file.
